[Frankie Teardrop]

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE – I recently wrote on this very forum about the impossibility of adapting Lovecraft for the silver screen. And if no-one can adapt H P Lovecraft, I'm pretty sure no-one can remake 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. Or can they? This relatively recent (2003, I think) effort didn't leave too bad a taste in the mouth, and again when watching I had to abide by my self imposed dictum of “it's a movie in its own right, not an imitation beholden to its parent's expectations”. If only groovy sixties and seventies child rearing practices could be applied to genre fan's viewing habits more widely. Anyway, TCM refurb does quite a few things right. I wasn't particularly convinced by the attempt to evoke period seventies, but the film does have a sweaty, flea bitten atmosphere. As if to 'make up' for the original's lack of explicit physical violence, there's a lot more gore. Not mountains of entrails, but, well, a bit. Little throwaways like Leatherface removing his mask – for some reason I found that strangely haunting. And once we're inside that slaughterhouse, the oppressive, suffocating stench of the mangled dead is with us. If I'm going to make comparisons, what this competent, entertaining film just doesn't have is the feverish hysteria of the original TCM, the quality that makes the latter film so unique to this day.

FRIDAY THE 13TH – On to F13, another sacred cow dissected, repackaged and resold. I say 'sacred cow', but is the original F13 really all that good? I guess that's the stuff of long running forum debates, but if you want my two penneth, I've never really rated it – I've always seen it as a mildly diverting exemplar of a standard formula, not a trailblazer or a groundbreaker or an interesting mutation, for that matter. Accepting that version of things, F13: The Remake is in pretty good company with its forebear. Apart from, it's not really a remake, more a remix-and-updating of various franchise elements – since when did Jason wear his infamous hockey mask in part 1? Since when was he really ever IN part 1 (apart from during THAT BIT). Whatever, this new F13 whisks by in a comfortable haze of nubile shagging and occasional blood letting as the latest gang of annoying post late-teen campers find out the hard way that sex and violence are the driving forces of commercial American cinema. I don't really have much bad to say of it, as my expectations were basement level in the first place. The only twinge of disappointment that registered was when, out of the blue, a scene occurred where some guy's vintage porno mag spread was juxtaposed with a stuffed bear whose face had rotted away to a bony stump and a whole other movie seemed to come gatecrashing in for a few weird seconds. If only it had been directed by MTDS!

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET - Finishing off this trio of rejigs is 'A Nightmare On Elm Street'. Whilst I do like the original, I'm not overly smitten, and when I set out to see this one during its UK cinema release, my expectations were safely tempered by slight indifference and a sense of resignation. I was also pissed out of my head, and promptly fell asleep. I woke in the dark of the auditorium, the usher already at my side, brushing my cheek with fingers cold and sharp as... OHMYGOD! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! Then I woke up for real and narrowly avoided pissing myself. Anyway, watched it again last night on Amazon Whatever It's Called, hoping I could give it a second chance. No booze this time, just an open mind and a desire for a glimmer of entertainment. Wow, it WAS rubbish after all. I'm not surprised that this one really brings out the hate in fans. Every horror element seemed plastic and half baked, best exemplified by an early scene where beads of water run backwards up a glass (“folks, I need you to imagine that we're in a dream here”), followed by an absolutely garbage Kruger effect bursting out of a wall going “Boo!” 'A Nightmare On Elm Street' plays like a horror-lite CGI version of 'Dawson's Creek' and is pure bollocks. I wouldn't piss on this one's grave (now, THAT was a remake which kind of made sense. 'I Spit On Your Grave', that is.).