I posted this on
Krank and the reaction has been less than great. Oh, well...
Life is full of many mysteries. Why do cows always face north or south while eating? Why did some mammals return to the sea after evolving the ability to walk on land? And why do people, year after year, nominate
It’s a Wonderful Life as one of the greatest Christmas films ever made?
That Frank Capra’s ode to corn and bullshit could prove to be so popular is downright perplexing. In case you don’t already know, It’s a Wonderful Life follows the non-adventures of George Bailey, a Walter Mitty type who was forced to give up on his dreams to run his dad’s Savings & Loans business. Driven to the brink after his moronic uncle Billy loses $8,000 (that’ll be around $90,000 today), he is ready to top himself when he is rescued by the guardian angel, Clarence. Fed up with his life, Clarence shows George what life would be like if he didn’t exist.
As George Bailey, Jimmy Stewart delivers the most infuriating performance committed to film. So annoying is he, that only Clarence (Henry Travers) and Jar-Jar Binks come close to him. The film’s best scene is the one that doesn’t feature Stewart – where a young George is slapped about by his elderly boss.
And let’s not forget the film’s running time: two hours and ten minutes. Ask many what
It’s A Wonderful Life is about and they will give you some variation of the above synopsis. But, the bloody angel doesn’t show up until the ninety minute mark. So for an hour and a half you will have to put up Jimmy Stewart yelling, “HOTDOG!” again and again; doing his best imitation of a record skipping whenever he says “and” (and believe me, it’s a f****** lot) and being an overall nuisance of a c*** before we get to see the horrors that would happen to his town if he wasn’t born.
And what horrors indeed. Why, there’s a bar that serves hard liquor to the working class. What heinous bastards! And then there’s the… the… the… Forgive me, but it’s as hard to type these following monstrosities as it was to witness them but… there was a dancing club!!! And it was probably filled with scandalous wenches. Honestly, was this the worst Capra could think of? At least toss in an opium den or a pimp or two.
Capra’s ballad for middle-class conformity and white picket fences is one of the most sickly films ever made. It’s the type of film that I could imagine Margaret Thatcher cackling to, as she twirled a glass of sherry between her fingers while Dennis passes out on the recliner. The overall message is one that admonishes you for attempting to aspire to greater things. Instead, you should be proud of licking your superior’s boots. Don’t ever change.
It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s Actually Shite.