MICROWAVE MASSACRE – Looking back, some films must just seem like such awful mistakes. This one’s so awful it’s almost scarring to watch. MM is an utterly confusing mixture of mild sleaze, abysmal gags and bad, bad décor. It’s about a schmuck who’s so fed up with his stagnant marriage he takes the only option left to him – cannibalism, apparently. Absolutely nothing about it works, from the mannequin gore to the stillborn humour. There’s so little understanding of the human psyche on display that you’d be forgiven for wondering whether some kind of primitive AI was involved, only this was made in 1983, the product of flesh without brains attempting to simulate comedy and coming up with stilted weirdness. Before you roll your eyes and moan “I bet now he’s going to say ‘and that makes it so off-kilter it’s just f@cking amazing’” – well, no, but it is kind of mesmerising. I’d rather watch a film where someone randomly decides to do some gardening with a dildo than whatever ends up as “passable for Netflix” these days. Very strange to see Jackie Vernon in it
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